All posts by Colorado Springs Mediation

5 Myths About How to Deal With a Breakup

When going through a breakup, people are always quick to throw out advice–some of which are merely myths. You might think it’s wrong to want to date again soon after a break up, but in actuality it’s okay! Also, just because your relationship ended doesn’t make you a failure. People also expect you to cry and it’s ok–grief is a multi-step process. If you have kids, you might feel like you have to step up more, but as long as you are open to how your child is feeling, then you’re on the right track. Lastly, it’s okay to have fun!

Key Takeaways:

  • Sometimes the feeling of being lonely and imagining a future alone can be lessened by allowing yourself to at least entertain the idea of dating.
  • Relentless self-attack will get you nowhere and is not part of healthy grieving.
  • Healthy grieving means that you accept that with separation comes a healing process.

“The fact is that if a relationship is consistently unhappy, filled with chronic anger or anxiety, kids are often better off when divorce provides greater stability.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201608/5-myths-about-how-deal-breakup

I Want to Get Along with My Stepmother

A young South African woman has written for advice concerning her Stepmother. She and her Stepmother have always had a strained relationship, as she hit and was nasty to the young girl and now she’s refusing to help pay for her step daughter’s visit back to South Africa. Additionally, the young woman feels her father doesn’t advocate for her with his wife (her Stepmother) and is a passive bystander to her behavior.

The advice given was for the young woman to have a heart to heart with her biological mother and father to try to sort out the situation and attempt to receive financial assistance from her father to visit South Africa. It was also suggested that the young woman speak to her father about her Stepmother’s poor treatment of her. The advisor’s bottom line: she is the child here, the parents should be acting more like the adults.

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I Want to Get Along with My Stepmother

How To Find Your New Self After Breakup

When we break up with a partner, it can be disheartening. We seem to lose track of time and only wallow in despair and wonder where we went wrong. We become lost and distraught, and sometimes isolated from those that care. Sometimes it is required to find yourself again once you lose a partner. It can be difficult, but it must be done if you are to move forward in your life. Breakups can challenge one’s spirit, and without resolve, we can find ourselves in a miserable state. What we need to focus on is who we were before we met that other person in our life. That identity is what you need to cling to and recall, as it is really who you are. Sure, you will sorely miss your partner, but what is done is done, focus on yourself.

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How To Find Your New Self After Breakup

When It’s Time to Find Love Again

Despite all the difficulties encountered in past relationships and the potential stress of forming new ones, people invariably are driven to search for love again. A significant number of relationships now begin on dating sites on the internet. Proceed with caution, because people often lie about themselves on these sites, even about their age. Always be honest about yourself, because, sooner or later, you’ll have to come clean.

You can also try to meet someone through your existing social network. When you are introduced to a friend of your friends, you can group date at first, which could be less stressful. Another good way to meet someone would be by joining a church or organization that stresses values that are important to you.

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When It’s Time to Find Love Again

Is it Love or Desire?

Romantic love is complex and sometimes confusing. People confuse the obsessive infatuation of new love with being in love generally, and feel that they must continue experiencing its seemingly addictive intensity. But research by Acevedo and Aron in 2009 shows that this infatuation decreases in relationships over time.

Some researchers believe that this is supposed to happen and is a good thing. While the intensity and obsessiveness of initial infatuation helps couples come together and bond, it could interfere with other responsibilities if it lasted indefinitely. The research from 2009 showed that continuing infatuation in marriages was associated with low relationship satisfaction. Earlier work by Campbell, Foster, and Cooper showed that romantic love without obsession was experienced by people with higher self esteem, while the obsessive kind of attachment was felt by more insecure people with lower self esteem. Meanwhile, less intense continuing romantic love promotes health and happiness.

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Is it Love or Desire?

The Cinderella Bait-and-Switch

Are we doing a service to our children in perpetuating fairy tales? Our children are raised with stories of happily ever after, true love and a prince. This is the stuff our children seek out as adults

Pursue your true love they say. Then we go out and look for our prince. When we do not find him, we are disappointed. This disappointment leads to friends telling us that our one true love does not exist. Which fairy tale is true?

Awww the fairy tale wedding. We have found our prince and have the ultimate party. Then reality sets it. What is happily ever after? After all, finding him is the hard part.

Is there too much emphasis on the destination on and not enough on the journey? There must be more emphasis on staying married and less on our prince or Ken.

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The Cinderella Bait-and-Switch

How We Shoot Ourselves in the Foot Again and Again

Sometimes people can make the same mistakes over and over. There is a simple reason for this: the way we are hardwired to deal with stress has been formed during our early childhood, as toddlers. Like toddlers, we can react to situations in a volatile way. That’s because the toddler brain is operated by feelings rather than logic. Many people who find themselves repeating the same mistakes are actually people who revert to the toddler brain when confronted with tough situations. The first step in eradicating the toddler brain is realizing it exists. The toddler brain needs to be controlled by the adult brain in order to stop repeating impulsive behaviors that lead to regretful mistakes.

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How We Shoot Ourselves in the Foot Again and Again

3 Steps To Overcome Your Deepest Insecurities

LISA CAPRETTO breaks down a three-step method for beating one’s insecurities. The methods and accompanying video are from life coach ILANYA VANZANT. First, the person must grab a seat somewhere quiet and focus on themselves. Second, they must focus on those things that make them uncomfortable about themselves, or the things about themselves that they dislike. When people face their pain, they can understand and lessen it. Finally, the person should critically reexamine what limits they have experienced, and try to surpass those limits. VANZANT states that this is not an easy task, but it is necessary. In order to be released from our insecurities, we must be in touch with the real us. And then we must explore what is possible for us to achieve.

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3 Steps To Overcome Your Deepest Insecurities

Reasons We Struggle to Believe in Ourselves, and Why It is Essential to Move Forward

Many people struggle with low self-esteem. Low self-esteem issues are a direct result of not believing in yourself. This can result in not moving forward in your life which can lead to not being successful in your work and home life.

There are a number of reasons that many people have low self-esteem. History is the main reason. Living in a negative environment is another. When you are constantly being told that you are not good enough, you start to believe it. A bad or unsuccessful marrage is another, just to name a few.

There are certain changes that you can make in your life that can help with low self-esteem. The most important thing you can do is try to understand where your esteem issues came from. Also it would definately help to be ground positive people. When you are around people that beleve in you you start to believe in yourself.

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Reasons We Struggle to Believe in Ourselves, and Why It is Essential to Move Forward

How Withholding Can Lead to Divorce

Withholding is a type of emotional manipulation that can damage interpersonal relationships, especially marriage. Deliberately withholding sex, communication, affection, or kindness strains a relationship and is often an underlying cause of divorce. Suppressing sex can lead your partner to have their needs met by another. Secrecy will erode trust in any relationship. Withholding affection can sometimes be even more alienating than withholding sex. An unwillingness to communicate will elevate tensions and cause solvable issues to become protracted and grow. Neglect and denying kindness is cruel and can alienate your partner. Refusing to spend time with your partner can be damaging, especially when used as a tool to get one’s way. Ultimately, a marriage requires openness, compromise, communication and, above all else, work. If you’re unwilling to work on a marriage, you will lose it.

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How Withholding Can Lead to Divorce